Life is short, and fickle

If you read my most recent post you will be aware that I've been really wrestling with making decisions around what matters to me and to our family. I have to admit it: I have been a total sucker and have given in to a bunch of the pressures that threaten to wear down Mums today. It left me in a place where I was spending way too much energy juggling things and hours of precious head space disappeared to my endless questioning about what the heck I was up to!



I'm happy to report that we've made some decisions as a family, and are now in a WAY better space. The biggest thing for me is that I have left my part time job in the city. When I made this decision it literally felt like a massive weight was lifted from me. I continue to manage our band The Dreamboats and have since started doing marketing for my gym from home; I can't actually slow down that much, but I'm so much more chilled out and content.

Life is flying by, and when I look back on my time as a young mum, I don't want to regret that I didn't spend more time picking daisies and reading books.


We've also had another series of incidents which have shaken our family and helped us to realign our priorities. Sam has been reacting to something unknown, which has had him rushed to hospital in an ambulance twice over the last two months. The most recent incident was easily the worst experience of my life: seeing my huge, capable husband completely disappear and slip away from me has left me in a bit of a state of shock.

Georgia getting a little too comfortable at hospital

While we are doing everything we can to work out what is triggering this anaphylaxis, we're at the whim of the public health system and have to tread very carefully. It makes things like sorting out our wills and life insurance far more of a priority. More importantly, though, it makes you appreciate what you have now, and helps to get your priorities back in check.

Life is short, and people are more important than anything else.

These two matter the most

What am I trying to prove?

Who am I trying to impress?

What am I trying to prove?

There are so many questions flying around in my head at the moment.

In the weekend Sam, Georgia and I drove up to Ohakune to meet with the rest of my family. The plan was to ski the acres of sweet, sweet powder at Turoa, under a bluebird sky.

Apparently that wasn't meant to be; it was a blizzard on the mountain and a rainy, cold mess in Ohakune. Still, it was nice to spend a weekend with my family in a house with a fire, some wines and some board games.

On reflecting on the weekend, I realised that I didn't enjoy myself at all. This wasn't because it wasn't fun; it's because I'm wound up like a crazy spring, trying to be a bunch of different things, none of which I particularly believe in.

Being a mother today is hard, no one will argue with that. Why is it so hard? Because society is throwing all sorts of crazy missiles at you, which we're supposed to catch and juggle, all whilst maintaining a fantastic, peaceful and organised home. We're told that we can "have it all", and yes, we can, but at what cost?

Matching with my mini at the "snow"

Feed your child whole foods, only from 6 months on, avoiding all grains until 12 months. And definitely don't go near sugar.
I have to say, I nailed this one. Win.
That's because it's something that I actually believe in and truly care about.

Teach your child to sleep through the night from an early age. Don't make them cry it out, but magically manipulate them into it.
Well, I taught her to sleep at 5 months, but there was definitely crying involved. I don't regret this AT ALL, in fact I endorse it.

When your child reaches the age of 12 months, return to your part time job and put your child into care. Make sure that this care has a primary carer set up, and that they can eat their balanced diet, whilst being "socialised" in the appropriate manner.
It took till Georgia was 14 months for me to do this, but I have been really happy with the arrangement so far.


But here I am, CONSTANTLY questioning whether I'm doing the right thing. I don't mean the odd thought from time to time, I'm talking about EVERY DAY.

I know that Georgia is in a great place, and loved and cared for, probably better than I could do anyway. What is it that I'm worrying about? I'm not sure to be honest. I think there's something bigger going on that has me completely unsettled.

In talking with my Dad today (my Dad is the best <3), he helped me to work out part of the picture:

I'm lacking clarity of purpose.

There are piles of different purposes in my life today, and they're conflicting with each other, all while  I haven't actually worked out what it is that truly gives me satisfaction and makes me feel like I've achieved something meaningful.

A big part of this problem is the expectations and ideas that others around us and society as a whole put on us. It wasn't very long ago that women were not expected to hold up a profession whilst raising whole members of society. Being a mother was a big enough job and everyone accepted that.

While I don't feel like I buy into these pressures, they've clearly had a big impact on me, as I'm now working part time, and mumming full time, and still questioning what the heck I'm up to. 

There are other things I do that I don't question, such as cooking great food and ensuring that my family are eating piles of nutrients, rather than empty calories. I CARE about this, and don't ever question it. I'm also a musician and I play the piano and sing when I can. I love this and it's a big part of who I am. 

Both of these things are purposes too.

Road trips mean Wild Bean Cafe binges for all

I'm a follower of Jesus, and we've finally found a group of other believers that we are keen to become a part of and connect with - this is big for me. (If you're interested, then King's Church in Porirua is a great place to be - for a whole bunch of reasons)

When my little girl is sick, or teething and needs my cuddles, or is going through a big leap in development and wants her Mama to help her though, shouldn't I be there?

Where do I draw the line? How do I make sure that I'm not stretching myself way too far and compromising what matters? How do I tell if the arrangement I have is truly a good thing, or just a thing?

Would I rather be poorer and go without some things, but have a simpler life?

So many questions... 

Heigh ho, heigh ho... Yep, I've gone back to work!!

I LOVE my little girl, and want the absolute best for her, as does every good parent. 

When Georgia was 6 months old, I resigned from my job as a recruitment consultant and decided to be a stay at home Mum. Both Sam and I agreed that for me to take care of her full time was what was best for our family and the decision was made. 

Somewhere along the line things changed: She grew older, more independent and confident. I grew up as a Mum and learned to relax and loosen my grip. We sold our house and bought a new, simpler and far more easily maintainable house, releasing me of a major burden. 

Another crucial thing happened: I chatted to one of my dearest friends, who Georgia loves like an Aunty and she readily agreed to care for her in her home, with her little boy, who happens to be G's BFF. Suddenly, everything fell into place- I met with my old employer who created a new position for me, starting at 1 day per week, then increasing to 2. 

I have to say, there are times that I question what the HECK I'm doing, whether I've made the right decision, but there are more times that I love it and the opportunity to have an awesome balance.

Now for some of the real stuff:

That first day: the first photo was a 9am, the second at 7:30pm (though it doesn't really show that I had been crying for more than an hour). When I got home that night with George at 6:30pm I suddenly felt tears explode down my face and they didn't stop till long after she was asleep in bed. I just wanted to hold her and cuddle her and read stories to her.

Then, she was a wrung out wreck for days, and I naturally wondered whether I had made a terrible mistake. But, the following week I realised that she didn't mind me leaving her with two of her favourite people for a day of fun, she was just a bit tired afterwards. It only took another week before she wasn't even tired, she wanted more. It all got WAY easier.

Now, I get to be a contributing member of society and do things like go out for work dinners and do photo shoots with umbrellas!

It truly is a good balance, but now I'm adjusting to the fact that I can't achieve everything that I used to as a full-time Mum, because I'm not... Something has to give so that I don't burn out, but I'm sure that I'll get there ;-) 

And they said that buying your first home was hard...

Buying Selling your first home = An absolutely MAMMOTH task.

Sam and I bought our first home around 2.5 years ago. We'd been looking for about four months and had missed out on 3 homes prior to securing ours. We'd reached that point where you truly put in
more than you want to spend on an offer, which allows you to actually win something.

The place was "perfect"; it literally hit every one of our "must haves" and "nice to haves". We were thrilled.

A year later we realised that we had no idea what we were really after in a house. Having a baby changed some crucial things dramatically, like layout, warmth, section and we realised that this house that was meant to be skipping us to the "second house" wasn't really what we wanted after all.
Once Sam and I had both made up our minds that we wanted OUT, it was all hands on deck to get the place ready to sell again. After that we were tired, but confident that we were going to be able to sell it easily with the current housing market, and its appeal with a water view, four decent bedrooms, a large renovated kitchen and two bathrooms.

The things that I wish I knew about selling before were:

It takes WAY longer to get it ready for market than you think.
It took every weekend (and every nap time for me) for at least 3 months to have the section looking mint again and the house touched up to perfection.

Choosing a real estate agent and getting the house on the market takes quite some time and is a decent ordeal.
I turned to local facebook groups for recommendations in the end.

Open homes are the worst.
Well, it's more the state of being on the market, as you don't want to mess anything up, or cook anything with a strong smell, and you've gotta be ready to get out of there, should someone want to come back and take a second look. Couple that with being a routine-based mama with a 1 year old...

In buying again we knew exactly what we wanted, so that narrowed things down a lot. We flirted with the slightly mad idea of moving further away from the city to get a really great house by the beach, moving over to the Hutt, but ended up staying in Whitby - at least we got that part right the first time!

After everything, we were somewhat disappointed by the price we sold the house for, and spent more than we'd hoped on our new place (which still needs a few things doing to get it just right), but we don't regret the whole process. It was a necessary ordeal for us. The main thing that frustrates me is that I wish we'd just done it right the first time.

My main piece of advice to people who are looking to buy their first home is to spend a bit more to get it right the first time, especially if you have young kids. Selling and moving with little ones just plain SUCKS.

The revelation of an actual holiday

Last weekend our little family returned home after being away on a FOUR WEEK HOLIDAY. We are beyond blessed to have been able to get away for so long. It was possible because it was a cost effective option; we stayed with my parents for half of it, then with them at the beach, and because we were only coordinating one lot of annual leave, though I'm sure Sam is now in negative leave-wise!

A four-week holiday is clearly going to be a massive treat for anyone. To me though, it was a daunting idea initially, as I've found that all "holidays" with a baby have been the opposite of restful, and have completely stressed me out and left me ragged and more exhausted than before. However, this was SO DIFFERENT. 

She ate sand, and that's ok

She didn't have sunblock on

I have my parents to thank for this. They bent over backwards to accommodate us in order to ensure that it was smooth and that Georgia was able to basically stick to her normal daily patterns. They even kept a room clear for her, both at their house and at the beach so that we didn't have to sleep with her, and therefore actually did that (sleep). They learnt her "routine" and happily took care of her so that Sam and I could go off and do normal people things like swimming, walking, skiing, cafe-ing, shopping and what was such a huge break-through was that I learnt how to CHILL THE FLIP OUT again.

Beverages were had

Hallelujah! I've had a massive realisation that I have been strung out like an overturned E string for approximately 11.5 months, and have probably been a terrible wife, sister, friend, daughter, daughter-in-law, etc etc. I feel like a different human and want to apologise to everyone I've been around. Cheers and here's to a more relaxed 2017! 

`

Because she's cute and wasn't sure what was with the hot sand the first time